Limerence, PTSD and Attachment: 

An Intense and Exotic Infatuation That Can Sometimes Be Mistaken for Love

My experience as a life and trauma coach working with clients, is limerence is real, and can adversely affect women and men with ptsd histories in unforeseeable ways.

The word 'limerence' may not be as familiar to you as the word “obsession” and yet the two are loosely related to each other and to our perceptions of “love.”

But what is love for the trauma survivor?

How has you adverse background, perhaps prevented you from experiencing the full and complex beauty of a rich love that imbues your relationship and your life?

While you may not be that familiar with the term “limerence,” if you have an adversity history or any type of trauma or post traumatic stress in your background, you might relate to its qualities, impacts and effects.

These can be embedded into the psyche and behaviours of men and women with attachment struggles, Post Traumatic Stress and complex trauma.

LIMERENCE - DEFINITION AND LINK TO PTSD HISTORY

So what exactly is Limerence?

Very briefly, limerence is  that obsessive and languid, almost enduring and involuntary state of being really preoccupied with another person.It’s very similar to obsession, although it doesn’t necessarily have to have that gnawing drive that goes hand in hand with obsessive ways of trying to connect with another.

Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book "Love and Limerence", the term describes the often all-consuming and perhaps even tumultuous emotions and fantasies that come with a crush or infatuation. 

 Mild limerence can manifest in all of us.

 And in my view as a trauma and life coach, it’s a common and very normal part of early relationship development or simply being attracted to someone.

 You get the jittery feeling, go wobbly at the knees, you experience butterflies and a sense of excitement at the mere thought of your love interest as he or she comes into mind or even tangible orbit.

 So, maybe, you and I have all experienced it in its milder form. But what of its more extreme presentation…the kind Tennov was writing about in her seminal work?

Perhaps it’s best perceived as a kind of continuum. 

But when you combine it with attachment difficulties from early life, and with PTSD symptoms or trauma - complex or otherwise - you can have a real struggle on your hands.

If you have PTSD and trauma in your background, you may have experienced more acute limerence, with many of the accompanying characteristics impinging on your life. My experience as a life and trauma coach is that those with more acute trauma backgrounds, can (but not always) experience more pronounced limerence than clients who don’t.

 Let's delve a little deeper and look at these.

CHARACTERISTICS OF LIMERENCE

At its core, limerence is about intense emotional experiences, not necessarily reciprocated, related to the heightened affection towards someone. Some of its defining characteristics include:

1. INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS

Limerents, or those experiencing limerence, often find their thoughts consumed by the person they're infatuated with. These thoughts are persistent, dominating daily life.

2. EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY

The emotional highs and lows felt during limerence are directly tied to the perceived interest or disinterest of the object of affection. A simple text or call can make one's day, while silence can lead to despair.

3. FANTASIES.

Limerents often daydream about a future with their crush, even if they've had little to no interactions in real life. These fantasies are not just about romance; they often cover various aspects of life, from mundane activities to major life events.

4. PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS

The intensity of limerence can manifest in physical symptoms such as heart palpitations, trembling, or even feeling of sickness. You might also experience elevated stress as you pursue the object of your desire.

You can also experience a decline in self-care as limerence symptoms take hold (lack of sleep, poor eating etc.)

5. OVEREMPHASIS OF SUBTLE GESTURES

Limerents tend to magnify minor gestures, reading into them and ascribing them deep meanings. A casual touch or an offhand comment can be seen as a sign of reciprocated feeling. Is this something you’ve experienced personally. Have you magnified or ruminated on minor gestures or words, and “read into them” in ways that could feed your fantasy?

You can get lost in this,  when in fact the behaviours or words of someone else are simply what they are - plain words and gestures, containing no hidden messages or more suggestive meanings.

LIMERENCE versus LOVE

Limerence and love, while sharing certain traits, are not synonymous. Love is more about mutual respect, understanding, trust, and the choice to be with someone. And love is open-hearted, complex and even at times, messy. Love, while intense at times, allows for reciprocity and freedom, as well as clear and open discussion. 

Limerence, on the other hand, often lacks the depth and reciprocity of genuine love.

While limerence can certainly lead to love in some cases, it can also dissipate over time, especially when not reciprocated. Unlike love, which grows and deepens over time through mutual understanding and shared experiences, limerence is often fleeting and can end abruptly.

LIMERENCE AND ATTACHMENT ISSUES - THE DOWNSIDE

Have you experienced attachment issues as part of your trauma or ptsd symptoms?

Have you struggled with parent or caregiver figures in early life, or experienced neglect or abandonment?

How do you score on the ACES (adverse childhood experiences) scale?

Limerence isn't always a harmless crush and it can be connected to adverse experiences in childhood that impact your ability to create healthy attachments with other people.

It can become problematic when it interferes with daily life or leads to unhealthy behaviours. 

POTENTIAL DOWNSIDES OF LIMERENCE:

1. Unrequited Limerence: 

It can lead to significant emotional distress when the feelings are not reciprocated. This can result in decreased self-esteem, depression, or even obsessive behaviours. If you experience any of these symptoms, seek support and talk it through with a friend, trauma coach like Camilla Slater, or with another professional.

2. Impact on Existing Relationships: 

If you are in a committed relationship and experience limerence towards someone else, it can lead you to feelings of guilt and confusion, potentially harming your existing relationship.

Again, if this is the case, take appropriate action before it gets out of hand.

3. False Perception of Reality: 

Limerents, in the throes of infatuation, might misjudge situations, misinterpret gestures, or overlook red flags, leading to potential heartbreak or disappointment. This can destabilise you and also dislocate you from reality in ways that are problematic. As the limerence grows in strength, you might also withdraw more from reality and real relationships and this can compound your false perception of reality.

NAVIGATING LIMERENCE

So, if you do  find yourself  in the grips of limerence, what should you do? 

Here are some loose and generalised suggestions. 

In my view, it is always a good idea to seek out good coaching or professional support for these issues if you can, as the most effective way of dealing with limerence in your life.

But there are also some general ways forward for you right here right now :

1. Self-awareness: 

Recognising and acknowledging the feelings can be a good first step. Understand that limerence is a natural emotion, but it's essential to differentiate between infatuation and love.

2. Open Communication:

If circumstances allow, and if it's appropriate, expressing your feelings to the person can bring clarity. It can either lead to mutual understanding or provide closure, helping you move on.

3. Seek Support: 

Talk to friends or consider professional guidance from Camilla Slater or another trauma-informed or ptsd trained professional. Sometimes, discussing feelings and experiences can offer valuable insights and coping strategies and break you out of the particular vantage point that is causing the limerence issues.

4. Distraction: 

Sometimes distraction is a fantastic healing and coaching tool! Engage in activities that take your mind off the object of your limerence. This could be hobbies, work, or spending time with loved ones.

5. Acceptance: 

Sometimes also, the best way to deal with limerence is to accept that it may not lead to anything concrete and may eventually pass. As is often said in 12 step programs, it will pass. Time can provide you with the clarity you need to see things more objectively, and this can ease the intensity of emotions. But if the situation continues it’s important to resource others to help you heal it.  

Conclusion

Limerence, with its heady mix of fantasy and intense emotion, can feel incredibly powerful. It’s exotic. Even intoxicating.

But it's crucial to remember that it's just one facet of the complex tapestry of human emotions. When you - as a ptsd or trauma survivor recognise it for what it is —a potent but often temporary infatuation that may be linked to your early attachment issues— this realisation can help navigate its challenges and appreciate its fleeting beauty while also keeping you committed to your healing and personal growth path.

We discuss limerence and offer clear education and strategies to manage it successfully in our group coaching program. 

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Camilla x